"With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"

“With Sweat Stripes Across Out Bellies” describes Connie’s difficulties in caring for her mother, who is suffering from deafness and dementia. The story seems to focus on who dementia and aging reverse established relationships; Connie takes care of her mother just as her mother took care of her. Her mother’s ailments also tie into Connie’s pride in her family and where she grew up.

I like Connie’s experience as a nurse. She has dealt with suffering and illness for most of her adult life, but this is the first time she experiences it outside of a professional setting. It might be interesting to play this aspect of the story up more. I also like how her family is integrated into the story. You might want to emphasize this, as well.  I really like your language. The title and reoccurring phrase “with sweat stripes across our bellies” is a striking image. The image of Connie’s mother crying was particularly striking and disturbing.

I think more conflict could improve this story. While caring for her mother is taxing, Connie never seems to be too distressed by it. On page five, Connie notes that the rest of her family drools and sleeps as she gets up early to help her mother. It almost seemed resentful. This could be an excellent source of conflict, since it would both add tension to the story and make Connie a more complex character.

The story felt like it was lacking continuity. While I like the conversation threaded throughout the story and the way it leads up to the final scene, the other scenes feel somewhat disjointed. I think focusing on a central conflict would ameliorate this.

Focusing on Connie’s personality might be a good idea, as well. First person offers the reader a great deal of insight into the narrator’s character, but Connie still feels a little distant. We don’t see her relationship with her children or husband very much, and she seems a bit stoic about her mother’s suffering. I do not know much about Dutch Country, but incorporating the way people speak in that region into Connie’s narration might be interesting.

The beginning of the story felt a little slow, especially since the dialogue right after it really engaged me. I thought that the summary was artfully integrated into the story except for that first paragraph. Cutting it out and spreading out the important information over the course of the story could help.