"With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"

“With Sweat Stripes Across Out Bellies” describes Connie’s difficulties in caring for her mother, who is suffering from deafness and dementia. The story seems to focus on who dementia and aging reverse established relationships; Connie takes care of her mother just as her mother took care of her. Her mother’s ailments also tie into Connie’s pride in her family and where she grew up.

I like Connie’s experience as a nurse. She has dealt with suffering and illness for most of her adult life, but this is the first time she experiences it outside of a professional setting. It might be interesting to play this aspect of the story up more. I also like how her family is integrated into the story. You might want to emphasize this, as well.  I really like your language. The title and reoccurring phrase “with sweat stripes across our bellies” is a striking image. The image of Connie’s mother crying was particularly striking and disturbing.

I think more conflict could improve this story. While caring for her mother is taxing, Connie never seems to be too distressed by it. On page five, Connie notes that the rest of her family drools and sleeps as she gets up early to help her mother. It almost seemed resentful. This could be an excellent source of conflict, since it would both add tension to the story and make Connie a more complex character.

The story felt like it was lacking continuity. While I like the conversation threaded throughout the story and the way it leads up to the final scene, the other scenes feel somewhat disjointed. I think focusing on a central conflict would ameliorate this.

Focusing on Connie’s personality might be a good idea, as well. First person offers the reader a great deal of insight into the narrator’s character, but Connie still feels a little distant. We don’t see her relationship with her children or husband very much, and she seems a bit stoic about her mother’s suffering. I do not know much about Dutch Country, but incorporating the way people speak in that region into Connie’s narration might be interesting.

The beginning of the story felt a little slow, especially since the dialogue right after it really engaged me. I thought that the summary was artfully integrated into the story except for that first paragraph. Cutting it out and spreading out the important information over the course of the story could help.

Response to "Beyond the Line"

The story revolves around Isaac, who is forced to choose between shelling a school and getting court martialed. He also misses his wife; he is a reluctant soldier. He also has some conflict with military culture. He does not like the private who is always underfoot, and his principles ultimately force him to defy a direct order.

I like the story’s focus. I always knew who was saying what. There were no unnecessary scenes, and the motivations of Isaac were always apparent. You pay attention to the military setting, which maintains verisimilitude. I was held in suspense for almost the entire story. I did not know if any of the characters would succeed, or even survive. You raised the stakes continually throughout the story, and it wasn’t predictable. There is little exposition, and it is almost never distracting.

Isaac doesn’t have to think much about shelling the school, so the story loses its tension once the soldiers are in place. Why is his superior so set on this mission? Why does he think it is worth killing so many civilians? Does Isaac have any reason at all to go through with the plan? After all the tension of the rest of the story, the climax doesn’t feel very climactic, mainly because all of the actors already know what they are going to do. It might help to make Isaac feel more ambiguous about the shelling. It would make him more unlikeable, but it would add depth to his character, too.

While you had little exposition, some of it felt forced. It might help to incorporate Isaac’s voice into these sections more, so it feels more like his thoughts, rather than the narrator’s.

There seem to be two independent conflicts in this story: Isaac’s separation from Sophie and the shelling of the school. They do not interact very much, and it would be interesting to see them influence each other. Would Isaac be more likely to shell the school if the court martial would separate him from Sophie? Is the thought if his family what makes Isaac so adamant?

Response to "Curtis and Deangelo"

“Curtis and Deangelo” seems to be about two men, dealing with the surgery of one of their fathers.

Overall, I liked the dialogue. Curtis and Deangelo consistently come across as wisecracking tough-guys, but despite that they care about their family. They aren’t cartoon characters. I particularly like the characterization of Curtis in the beginning of the story. Mr. Berry’s lack of a reaction complements this. The contrast between Curtis and Deangelo’s gambling with their desire for their father’s safety is interesting; they are willing to gamble when it comes to themselves. I also like that the free-wheeling main characters are being forced to confront mortality through the accident.

I found clarity to be the most distracting element of this story. I am not sure what the important ideas of this story are. Deangelo loses his jacket; he later finds it. Curtis’ father needs surgery; he dies at the hospital. I could not figure out how they were related. I couldn’t figure out how Curtis and Deanglo were related, either. I’m pretty sure they were brothers, but the story is ambiguous on that count. I was confused by the narrator. The narrator was making character judgments, but it did not feel natural. I couldn’t figure out who was speaking, why they knew what they knew, or what they personality was like. I wasn’t sure who Mr. Berry was in the beginning, either.

I liked the dialogue, but several parts felt forced; it seemed like they were written to give information to the reader. We don’t really see the source of the story’s conflict until halfway through the story, and while the dialogue is overall entertaining, there isn’t much tension or escalation. The father dies two pages after the reader first hears about him; that’s only two pages, so we are only left wondering about the dad for less than a quarter of the story.

Curtis’ return to Vegas felt strange, as well. His father just died, but he goes on vacation to gamble. I think it could be plausible and actually reveal a lot about Curtis’ character, but as is it just feels off.

"Brotherly Love"

 “Brotherly Love” seems to be about the relationship between William, his brother, his nephew and niece, and their house. William’s brother, Steven, wants to hold onto the house, even though it is expensive and William can get a better job elsewhere. Steven wants to keep the house so his children will have stability, while William thinks that their quality of life will be higher elsewhere. The burglary reveals the danger to their domestic life.

The dialogue was awesome. I mean really, really great. It gave us a great look at your characters earlier on, but when William and Steven were talking in the basement, it propelled the story effectively. The back-and-forth between Samantha and William was great. It was entertaining to read, funny, and it never felt like a series of one-liners. The children were engaging characters—bratty but likeable. You maintained verisimilitude--their unorthodox living arrangements did not seem forced or strange.

The ending felt unsatisfying. It did not resolve the central conflict of the story. The conflict comes late, as well. We do not encounter it until the seventh page, though the beginning pages were entertaining, and though William’s and Steven’s argument in the basement increased the tension, nothing ever happened with it—the climax of the story has nothing apparently obvious to do with the conflict. I also did not have a strong sense of place. While the descriptions were detailed (the knife wound was most excellently gristly), I did not get an understanding of what the house was really like, even though the house is important to the central theme of the story. It almost felt like this is the first part of a fifteen to twenty page story. The first six pages are engaging and introduce the characters well, and the last two pages reveal the conflict, and nothing was unnecessary. However, I am not sure what the burglary does for the story as is. It was suspenseful, but I did not fit with everything else going on. Will it make Steven want to move? Will it make William want to defend the family home?

Response to Christina's "Dress Rehearsal"

“Dress Rehearsal” seems to be about Kate’s ambiguous feelings towards her friend Sean. However, it also explores the relationship between Kate and her sister, Diana. Kate has an almost parental attitude towards her sister, so she feels pressured to make Diana responsible for herself, since Kate will be headed to college soon.

The writing is polished—there are almost no tense, point of view, or usage problems, and I always knew who was speaking and what was going on. I like the relationship between Kate and Diana. Kate has a lot of insight into her sister’s personality, which contrasts with her inability to think about Sean in a reasonable fashion.  You did a great job of raising the stakes; the fight between Diana and Sean’s asking Dina to the prom kept me interested. The story was tightly focused. Everything was in place and had a purpose. I never felt that you were giving to much summary or exposition. There were a couple of really awesome lines that emphasized the themes of the story. Kate’s lonesome character in the play was a revealing, subtle detail.

The first time I read “Dress Rehearsal”, I thought that Kate decided to not go to the prom with Sean. It was completely unexpected, and I liked it. In the back of my mind, I knew that Sean and Kate would work everything out, and going against the reader’s expectations in always good.. Kate’s attitude toward Sean confused me. Developing their relationship might be helpful, and elaborating on why Kate does not want to go to prom with Sean might give her personality more depth.  Sean himself was a bit opaque; I never knew anything about him other than the fact that he was Kate’s friend. And while Kate is overall well characterized, it seemed like her faults were only vaguely hinted at. Were we supposed to agree with her when she did not help Diana with Andrew, or were we supposed to find her superior? Why was it that she would not go to prom with Sean? Was she threatened by commitment? Was she afraid of alienating him?